


Fiels

by Rhonda



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst and Humor, Female Pronouns for Grell Sutcliff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Character, Trans Ciel Phantomhive, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25098460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhonda/pseuds/Rhonda
Summary: Ciel has some issues that he thinks a certain reaper might be able to help with.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	Fiels

Something was wrong, had always been wrong. And it wasn’t all of the normal stuff that was always wrong all the time for him. Ever since he had gone undercover at that Viscount’s party, feelings that had been swirling in the back of Ciel’s mind had come a little bit more into focus. Not a whole lot, but a little bit more. Some of it was so horrible to think upon that he really couldn’t hold it in his head and really think about it without getting distracted. But he was starting to worry that it all was a lot bigger of a deal than he realized. Maybe it was his only deal.

Maybe none of the normal stuff that was always wrong all the time for him was wrong, and maybe this whole time a lot of his anger and bitterness all came from this morass of feelings. What if his inability to be happy was because of the unfortunate circumstances of his birth and nothing more. He certainly always had wished to have been born a girl, but he wasn’t able to admit that to himself until a few months ago. 

He always thought that they were just parts of his idle fantasies of not being under the conditions he had found himself. Fantasies of him being a girl were just like fantasies of him not being a Phantomhive, just like fantasies of his parents still being alive. But more and more did those fantasies of him being a happy middle class child living above a bakery with two whole loving living parents feature him being their daughter. He wanted to be one, and the thought of growing up to be Earl Phantomhive and Marrying Elizabeth and fathering children was just so horrible that he had assumed the fantasy was an escape from that fate. Perhaps that’s why he had been so eager to rush towards his early grave at the opportunity of revenge. That being Ciel Phantomhive was as much of a death sentence as the mark under his eyepatch.

But wanting to be a girl didn’t make him one. Girls didn’t want to be girls, they just were girls. He wanted to be a girl, because of the weak child that was still inside him. It was the same as every other fantasy, just weakness.

He listlessly wandered the grounds of his estate, thinking all these thoughts that were jammed up in his head like the rush of collectors trying to get into Funtom when they released the latest in their line of dolls. Turning a corner in the garden he spotted a certain flamboyant reaper idly filing away at her nails. At first the sight of her filled him with rage, an intruder in his garden, in his contemplative domain, almost as though she were intruding on his very thoughts. What was the point of his Faustian contract if his demon couldn’t keep the rabble away?

He was about to call for Sebastian before he had an idea. Grelle had used to be a man or a boy or something before she was Grelle. It probably wasn’t the same, since Ciel wasn’t a woman like Grelle was, and she probably had just known she was a girl since she was very young and never pined after girlhood, and she probably didn’t have anything relevant to say on the topic of his feelings, and she’d probably just laugh at him if he told her his secret, and probably and probably probably probably probably. But, perhaps it couldn’t hurt to ask her a few questions about her experience, just for the sake of better understanding her if he should need to use her as a pawn, to better manipulate her. Yeah…

“Grelle Sutcliff, I shall ignore your intrusion this once,” he began a little hesitant and unsure of how to proceed, “Um… Well, I don’t really know how to say this, but I suppose I should just come right out with it, then. I have perhaps for a very long time been feeling a certain wrongness in my life. There are obviously a lot of things about my life up until this point that haven’t gone very smoothly for me, but I’m starting to think that underneath all of that this was gnawing away at me the whole time. Sometimes I think that I might be happier had I been born a woman, and when I say sometimes, I really mean all the time. You see while I was investigating your and Madam Red’s string of murders, I had disguised myself as an adolescent girl of high birth. I’m sure you remember that actually, you were there. The thing is there was something about being in a public space, being seen as a young lady, being treated as a young lady that was… How shall I put it? 

“Being seen as female and going through the space as female made me genuinely feel happiness. In a way as though I had never felt true happiness before. I felt a way that I had thought only achieving my vengeance would ever let me feel. Ever since that day I’ve been longing to have that feeling again, and I worry that the only way I should ever feel that way again is continuing to dress in that manner. But I long to be seen as a girl no matter how I dress. I wish that I were seen as one all the time, if that makes any sense. I know that you were born a boy like me, but you found within yourself that you were a woman and you managed to express that openly. I can tell that it’s been hard on you and, I’m sorry that I could never say this in front of anyone else, but I deeply admire your courage to be who you are in the face of all of the adversity the world has for women like you.

“So, to get to my main point, I would ask you… I suppose… just how exactly did you know that you were a woman? Was there perhaps the same kind of longing to be and be seen as a girl as I hope I’ve managed to accurately describe. I mean, I’m sure what you’ve experienced was far different from what I’ve described, since I am not a girl as it stands and rather merely a boy who would like to be one.” Ciel finished his speech, a flush spreading his cheeks at the embarrassment of just laying himself bare before this woman who he barely knew.

“Huh?” She said looking over at him for the first time with a confused expression as though waking from a reverie.

“Nevermind…”

**Author's Note:**

> So I did end up making a spiritual successor to this, since a few people wanted some actually serious trans girl Ciel, [so check it out.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25215958/chapters/61119820)


End file.
